Gazongas!

23Aug08

This is also a fun-looking booby.

I can’t really hold back anymore. I have to talk about them.

There’s no way that you’re not wondering about them if you’re a dad-to-be. Your friends have probably told you about what happens. If you’re like me, and your wife was never all that busty, you may think it won’t really be that big of a deal.

That’s never been why you think your wife is hot, anyway. You’re okay with it if there’s no big difference. Guys who fixate on breasts have issues. Your wife is not to be objectified. Yeah.

Well, my friend, I’m going to tell you something using the deepest and most powerful parts of my intellect.

They are here. And they are spectacular.

My wife has always been beautiful. But add a very healthy C-cup and she is now driving me crazy. That’s the rub – or lack therein. I really haven’t been allowed anywhere near them. They’re not really meant for me right now. They’re Buster’s for the next several months.

I’ve heard that some freako dads have a problem with that idea and even insist on formula feeding for this reason. That’s crazy talk. I’m not like that.

I recognize that they are no longer for mere decoration. And it’s not like I want to be dressed in a diaper and nurse or something weird like that. But they look so… fun.

Would one good old-fashioned motorboat be so bad?

Okay, before you judge, you must understand that I’m in territory right now I haven’t seen since my teens. Sex has been expressly forbidden by medical professionals for at least six weeks. Sex was not exactly plentiful over the previous six…teen weeks. This puts me in the neighborhood of months of absolutely nothing not requiring an Internet connection. Hey, I said not to judge.

Anyway, back to advice about the massive mammaries.

Don’t worry too much about getting caught admiring them, as she will be at least slightly impressed with them as well. You can get away with staring at your wife’s rack a lot easier than staring at other people’s wives’ racks.

You may also notice her wearing her shirts a bit more open, to display and sway them about. She may even say she’s going bra-less because she has to nurse every two and a half hours. But you and me both know it’s because she’s taunting you.

That said, don’t fall into the trap of talking about them more than she does. You don’t want to look like you’re TOO happy about it. Because if you do get caught staring and smiling and mumbling faintly too often, you will get the inevitable question, “are you going to be all disappointed when they’re not this big anymore?”

Okay, that's enough staring at the melons now.

The internal answer is YES, of course, you will be disappointed when they’re gone. How would she feel if suddenly for like 4 months, you had six pack abs, and then just as suddenly they vanished? Exactly the same way as you will feel when this show is over. Disillusioned, hurt and angry. That is why I don’t burden my wife by developing six pack abs.

For answering aloud, however, I’d recommend something more like, “Don’t be silly, honey,” which clearly isn’t a lie.

I should also warn you that they can get sore, so try not to overdo the extra hugs where you lead with your face. And although “accidentally” spilling water all over her when she’s in a white t-shirt might seem to you like a good way to celebrate a gold medal win during the 28th Olympiad, to her, it may seem otherwise.

I’ve heard stories that once sex does begin, all kinds of crazy stuff can happen with milk shooting out and faces and sheets getting soaked and, frankly I’m not sure if we’re ready for that. I don’t think I’ll tell you how that turns out, either. Just passing on the info.

For now, I will simply rejoice in all my blessings. Heck, right now it’s Dad AND Bust.

Filed under: Infancy, Month 1, Tips   |  9 Comments
Tags: boobies, breastfeeding, breasts, fatherhood