24: the baby version

19Sep08
24 is also the name of a television show.

24 is a popular television show.

The following events take place in real time… over the course of 24 minutes. Kiefer Sutherland was not harmed in the making of this blog post.

7:37PM Buster is happy and alert. He’s watching his father as he plays piano. Dad feels a rush of pride that Buster seems to enjoy music a great deal. He will surely be the only starting shortstop in the MLB who is also a jazz pianist and future Senator. But now Dad needs to put down Buster for a minute so he can help get dinner together. Buster isn’t sure how to take this.

Boop. Beep. Boop. Beep.

7:38PM After ten seconds of deliberation, Buster decides he does not in fact want to be in his car seat right now, even for a moment. He lets Dad know through a sustained screech. Dad stops what he’s doing and goes back and checks on Buster. He takes him out of the car seat, consoles him briefly and puts him back in.

7:39PM Buster considers whether he should be satisfied with that level of response. He decides the answer is again no, and that this time, he will need to enunciate better. Because he can’t yet control his tongue, he will attempt to vibrate his uvula as he releases vocal hellfire.

Boop. Beep. Boop. Beep.

7:40PM Dad returns to Buster and lifts him from the car seat again, consoling him briefly and checking to be sure his diaper isn’t soiled. It is not. The boy has been recently fed, diapered and should be just fine. If he puts Buster down and he yells again, it’s clearly going to mean that he just doesn’t want to be there. He places him back into the car seat.

7:41PM Buster instantly explodes into a gurgling shriek. It’s clear that he believes that screaming is the best negotiation method. After consulting with agent Childsplayx2 at CTU (Counter-Tantrum Unit), Dadorbust has decided that he will no longer negotiate with terrorists. He’s going to let him wail away.

Boop. Beep. Boop. Beep.

7:42PM Buster wonders whether Dad didn’t hear him correctly at first. To be certain, he doubles the intensity of his cries. He has now turned from bright pink to bright red. His eyes are shut tight and he’s balling his fists and shaking them.

7:43PM Dad stays near as Buster begins to unleash some of his previously unreleased works. One of the rhythmic screams sounds like a wildcat being choked by a boa constrictor. Dad stands pat and allows him to cry unchecked.

Boop. Beep. Boop. Beep.

7:45PM Buster gets louder and begins a never before seen display of colors. He moves away from the generic red and leans toward a nice Cerise.

7:47PM Carnelian. Crimson. Coral. Cerise again.

7:49PM Buster’s crying intensity seems to diminish a bit momentarily. He opens his eyes and looks right at Dad. Dad doesn’t seem to be relenting. Buster growls directly at him before delivering a crackling terror scream. He resumes his display of colors.

7:51PM Amaranth. Ruby. Alizarin. Carmine. The dog evacuates. The cat smiles with satisfaction.

7:53PM Mom is concerned about her baby and is beginning to doubt Dadorbust’s technique. Dad advises her to stay away from Buster’s view in order to maintain her status as a neutral nation. Buster senses a lack of unity and adds more lung power to his attack.

7:55PM Buster achieves a throbbing Venetian Red and looks about ready to burst. He’s choosing yelling over breathing a bit too often. Just in case, Dad picks him up for a moment to get his attention, but puts him right back down as soon as Buster catches his breath long enough for a more traditional wail.

7:57PM Decibel level remains similar to that expected if two inches tall and placed inside of an airhorn. The car seat around Buster is beginning to melt from the intensity.

Go into the light.

Go into the Light. There is peace and serenity in the Light.

7:58 PM Window panes are rattling. A tiny woman walks in and starts calling for Carol Anne.

Boop. Beep. Boop. Beep.

7:59 PM Buster is nearly hoarse from screaming but manages still to achieve ear piercing tones. Neighbors are all standing around outside and staring at the sky. Dadorbust hears someone say, “the time is nigh.”

8:00 PM Buster stops crying very suddenly. The symphony of red ends. He closes his eyes, catches his breath and falls asleep.

8:01 PM Buster wakes up briefly, but long enough to look at both his parents with the saddest expression ever created by a human face, before passing out again. Mom begins to tear up. Dad shoots her a look. She doesn’t dare make a sound.

Dadorbust walks off into the distance. He is relieved from the victory, but he senses this may not be over.

Boop. Beep. Boop. Beep.

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14 Responses to “24: the baby version”

  1. That was hilarious. Jack Bauer has nothing on you.

  2. HOLY CRAP!

    And – just like Jack Bauer – you managed all of this while Never Going To The Damn Bathroom. (And never having your cell phone run out of charge?) (I mean you don’t mention this specifically, but I’m assuming.)

  3. ahaha, very well done, a huge 24 fan myself, definitely got a few kicks out of this 😉

  4. Great job Agent!

    His therapy bills might be higher as an adult but you’ll have more peace.

    (Oh, and get a vibrating bouncy seat. It’s like crack to the kids. Put ’em in there and walk away. Kinda like a vibrating recliner for babies.)

  5. 5 allisonwonder

    Hahaha- I would’ve been the “neutral territory” in that scenario- I know my babe sometimes just doesn’t need a damn thing and just wants me to pick him up, but I can’t be that wee person standing in that airhorn. He gets scooped.

    Then again, this household is so friggin’ loud most days, maybe I just can’t stand to add to the noise…

  6. 6 wideawakeinwonderland

    Very, very cute. Was behind a screaming baby on a flight from Vilnius, Lithuania to Rome, Italy a couple days ago. In the Baltics, they have (it seemed) a strange method of dealing with a child’s distress – they just held their young son up in the air so that everyone could get a good look at the culprit and allow the sound to reverberate off the plane walls more effectively. Or maybe to shame him? Who knows?
    Anyway, yours sounds like a big adventure. Enjoy and thanks for sharing! VW
    http://wideawakeinwonderland.wordpress.com

  7. Great, now you got that Boop. Beep. Boop. Beep. noise in my head! Great writing! Always good for chuckle!

  8. I remember those kind of screaming fits. Funny, my 3 year old still has them, although less frequently.:)

    Thanks for making me laugh!!

  9. Craving new Dad or Bust post!

    When, when, when?

    Sigh.

    Now?

    How ’bout now?

  10. Okay. Lesley and Lesleykim are both me. I sometimes forget to log into WordPress first. Durrr. FAIL.

  11. 11 Chesley

    This is hilarious! You handled it better than either of us would have. We say we’ll stay away for 5 minutes and one or the other break down after 3. We’re wimps. Way to go!

  12. Heh…haven’t seen 24 in quite a while now, but I think you’ve managed to nail the narrative here. Counter Tantrum Unit? That needs to be a t-shirt! Oh, and thanks….I’ve now got boop.beep.boop. beep. stuck in my head. 🙂


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