Turn, baby, turn

Note the cynical look on this mans face.

Note the cynical look on this man's face.

No, it is not a disco inferno. But something is burning.

We are currently trying moxibustion in order to get the baby to move into proper upside-down position, instead of continuing to dance on my wife’s liver and bang his/her head against her ribs.

This is called breech position. To me, the word “breech” sounds exceedingly bad from the get-go, as in, “My god, man, there’s a breech in the hull!” or “the levees were breeched,” or “I have to drive an hour and pay an Asian medicine expert with two missing front teeth to methodically singe my wife because our baby is breech.”

I just think they should have chosen something more calming.

Anyway, we’re at 36 weeks and (s)he’s supposed to be head down by this point. Our obstetrician/midwife practice does not do breech births (seems like scary stuff) and requires us to schedule a C-section if the baby hasn’t turned by the end of Week 38. We’d like to avoid the Alien approach to birth (yes, I know it’s very safe and normal) so we’re trying alternatives. Moxibustion was recommended to us by our practice, and it’s pretty common, so don’t worry, I’m not going all hippy on you. They claim it helps 90% of couples. And I wasn’t about to turn down the opportunity to prod my wife with a hot poker.

Mr. Lee was not the same guy that trained Booger in Revenge of the Nerds II.

Mister Lee was not the same guy that trained Booger in Revenge of the Nerds II.

So, we were taught this technique a few days ago by a man named Mister Lee, but it’s still a Mister Lee whether or not it will work.

I won’t go into the details of it, since I paid $120 to study a technique that you can apparently learn on YouTube. But I’ll keep this post up to date on whether it ended up working for us:

We’ve now done one session with Mister Lee and one at home. I’m not sure it really is helping. But it’s helping me seem helpful.

UPDATE 1: Two sessions in and still nothing, although I can’t believe my wife didn’t crack up laughing when I read her a relaxation script beforehand, just as an extra I decided to throw in. I’m seriously a loser right now.

UPDATE 2: After three sessions, the baby seems to have moved a bit, but in such a way that we’re no longer certain which lumps are which parts. I’m pretty sure I felt an iPod in there today.

UPDATE 3: Stubborn bugger went back to the previous position sometime before the fourth session began. Didn’t get much result from this time through either. I’m trying not to let on that I’m losing faith in either moxibustion or my application of it. But I think I might as well be jumping around the room waving live chickens. Baby obviously ain’t movin’ till (s)he feels like it.

UPDATE 4: Five sessions and nothing. I’m not dismissing moxibustion, but it just isn’t doing much for us besides turning my fingernails slightly yellow after using the hothot sticks.

UPDATE 5: My wife went in to the obstetrician who very offhandedly told her she should probably schedule a C-section. Seriously, do they now specifically teach doctors to exhibit no bedside manner? Everything else in the babymaking culture, including his practice’s own culture, puts women (deservedly) on a pedestal and makes them feel like their personal preferences are what should be most important. Then some arrogant doctor just yanks the pedestal right from under her because he’s bored by the expressions of anxiety? I’d like to pop him in the mouth right now. But we might need him to do surgery, so I’d better not.


One Response to “Turn, baby, turn”

  1. Our baby, who is now three months old, so probably about the same age as Buster, was also Breech… we managed to have her turned around manually using what they called an “External Version” … which sounds a bit more like a release from Microsoft than a medical procedure… anyways, it worked and we managed to have a home birth. I think it worked because the baby was pretty small so had lots of room to turn around in there.

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