Yeah, no one cares about you

This pillow has more to offer than you do.

This pillow has more rights than you do. Not pictured here is her husband, curled up on the ground at the foot of the bed.

I can’t get much sleep lately because my wife can’t. She tosses and turns, elbows and kicks, steals pillows and blankets, and generally takes up 3/4ths of a queen-sized bed despite the fact that I am 6’3″ and she is 5’2″. I haven’t made it past 7AM in three weekends, and have been up before 5AM every day in the past week. The basement futon where my dog sometimes cleans himself is looking awfully inviting.

If this happens to you, do not tell anyone without a penis.

No matter how much goodwill you may have built up with your stories to your female friends about how supportive you’ve been for your pregnant wife, the mere passing mention of a bit of your own physical discomfort will immediately transform you into a whining boor.

Remember, you, my friend, are only incidental to this entire process. You should feel lucky that your wife was willing to accept your wretched seed and is accommodating your spawn for nine months in her beautiful body. You should feel deep remorse that you yourself cannot pass the baby through an orifice in your body. You should pay her back with compliments, chores and diamonds. And you should shut up. For the rest of your life.

Okay, that sounded harsher than it is. But the bottom line is that you should keep in mind that every complaint that you might have will always be seen as minor compared to the things she’s dealing with.

The only people that will understand are other men with pregnant wives. Men with kids generally think you’re a big whiny baby too. Men who haven’t gone through pregnancy at all will actually not even be able to physically hear you when you discuss it, because when you talk about pregnancy, without knowing, you actually do it at an extremely low pitch that is discernible only to fathers and nematodes.

In fact, I may be the only one who understands how you feel. Feel free to email me or comment here about how no one cares about you. I’ll nod knowingly and go back to rubbing my wife’s feet.


6 Responses to “Yeah, no one cares about you”

  1. 1 vershlugan

    I would love to agree with everything you just said, but my wife is also a loyal “dadorbust” reader and she hasn’t done anything like you describe and I love her very much. I feel like making dinner for her now, bye bye.

  2. 2 herbadmother

    I am e-mailing this to my husband NOW.

  3. 3 tduns

    I don’t really get it. I have two children and a third now on the way. The only help I can find is for first time fathers. Wouldn’t it make sense to want to help those who have been through all of this before? I mean the first time everything is new…terrible and impossible…but new. When you know what’s coming and you are supposed to be happy about losing the woman you love for nine months not to mention the years of sleepless nights to come you need help way more than that poor guy who has no clue what will be decending upon him. It makes me physically ill to even think about a life without my family yet I don’t know if I can emotionally handle this again. Now I cast this to the void…none of you can do anything about it but at least now I’ve said it to someone who may have a small inkling of what it all means to me.

  4. Futon is the English name given to the Japanese traditional style of bedding known as “futon” Basically a traditional futon is the name given to Japanese bedding that consists of a padded mattress and quilts that are pliable enough to be folded up and stowed out of the way so that a room can be used during the day for purposes other than that of just a bedroom.

  5. My husband teases me that I do this even when I am not pregnant. haha

  1. 1 Getting to know Mama Bear « dad or bust

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