The world’s most demanding boss

You are definitely not the boss.

This is not who's the boss.

I’ve worked for some real jerks before. During a three-week stint as a KFC employee as a teenager, I had a manager who, other than during the job interview, communicated with me only by screaming in high-pitched broken English. During college summers, I worked for a union boss who could just look at you sideways and inspire deep fear of the trunk of a Cadillac. As an adult, in a more professional setting, I had a boss who once told me I should stop questioning the approach and just “obey” her. She also regularly patted people on the head.

All of them had the ability to send my blood pressure boiling or inspire deep feelings of dread. But at the end of the day, I got to leave them behind and return home.

This is not so much the case with my newest boss. He’s less than two feet tall and doesn’t yet weigh ten pounds, but he has me jumping to attention like the drill sergeant from Full Metal Jacket:

Gunnery Sergeant Buster: Holy Jesus! What is that? What the f** is that? WHAT IS THAT, PRIVATE DADORBUST?
Private Dadorbust: Sir, a laptop computer, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Buster: A laptop computer?
Private Dadorbust: Sir, yes, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Buster: How did it get here?
Private Dadorbust: Sir, I took it up from downstairs, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Buster: Are laptops allowed in my nursery, Private Dadorbust?
Private Dadorbust: Sir, no, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Buster: Are you allowed to use laptops when you’re taking care of me, Private Dadorbust?
Private Dadorbust: Sir, no, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Buster: And why not, Private Dadorbust?
Private Dadorbust: Sir, because you deserve 100% of my attention, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Buster: And because you are a crappy dad, Private Dadorbust?
Private Dadorbust: [whimpers] Sir, yes, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Buster: Then why did you try to sneak a laptop up here, Private Dadorbust?
Private Dadorbust: Sir, because I wanted to blog, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Buster: Because you wanted to blog… [turns and addresses Mom, cat and dog] Private Dadorbust has dishonored himself and dishonored the family. I have tried to help him. But I have failed. I have failed because YOU have not helped me. YOU people, have not given Private Dadorbust the proper motivation! So, from now on, whenever Private Dadorbust messes up, I will not punish him! I will punish all of YOU! And the way I see it ladies, you owe me for ONE LAPTOP! NOW, CRADLE ME AND TELL ME I’M YOUR BABY BOY AND IT’S OKAY! [Mom puts him into cradling position, Buster turns to Dadorbust] Take off my diaper and show me that laptop! [Private Dadorbust complies. Gunnery Sergeant Buster pees all over the laptop]

Okay, so maybe it’s not exactly like that, but it sure feels like it. Two weeks ago, we were bragging to people that we had an easy baby. He seemed so good-natured.

Since then, we’ve clearly lost any semblance of control of our day. If Buster’s awake, he expects us to either be feeding him or cradling him in our arms. The punishment begins with normal everyday crying but can range up to Full Blood Curdling Terror Wail, genetically programmed to burst my wife’s and my eardrums after anything more than three seconds of exposure.

He refuses to fall asleep on any flat surface, instead requiring hand-rocking until he has drifted off and then demanding a perfect transfer to his crib requiring the same care and steady hand as is needed to diffuse a nuclear device. If he is not being held within 15 seconds of waking up, he resumes his screaming.

Hello, mother. I come bearing a gift. Ill give you a hint. Its in my diaper and its not a toaster.

"Hello, mother. I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster."

Some people blame this on colic, but I don’t think it has anything to do with gas. Buster is just a mean little jerk, and I am wondering if this is temporary or just the first sign he is bent on eventual world domination. There’s no question that Stewie from Family Guy was originally envisioned during this very period of development.

It’s been tough on both of us and it makes the day when our baby finally greets us with a hug and a giggle instead of a scowl and a scream seem centuries away. But I’ve been assured those things are still coming.

So I guess this is what I get for my previous post calling Buster great and complaining about him not recognizing me. He now knows exactly who I am.

I’m the help.


22 Responses to “The world’s most demanding boss”

  1. Laughing with you (OK, well a little at you too)…
    Yes, it is coming and I am convinced that Colic is a term manufactured by Dr. Browns, Playtex, Avent, Born Free and any other company that manufactures anti-colic products. Kind of like the thurman…

  2. This is just too funny! I feel the exact same way about blogging while “watching” the baby! Our daughter has recently become real sensitive to her sleeping surroundings too and she only seems to sleep while I’m standing up, hungry, tired and tired. It’s all good times!

  3. 3 techydad

    As a dad who went through two of those, I’ve got good news and bad news for you. The good news is that the “nuclear device” place downs will eventually go away. The bad news is that your little one will get mobile and too smart for your own good. My youngest son learned how to walk a few weeks ago and now he’s all over the place. My oldest one is in Kindergarten and is seriously pushing the boundaries. There are plenty of times when my wife and I feel like taking the boys, dropping them off at her parents’ house, and then running away somewhere for a few hours.

  4. That is a hilarious dialogue, and let me tell you, it never ends. My (1.5 yo) daughter grabs my finger off the keyboard and say, “Get up, Dad. Dad, get up! Daaaaaad, wanna [insert currently chosen want].”

    And my 4-year-old son has many more sophisticated methods of making the same request. He applies all the good lessons we taught him in calling my undivided attention and saying, “Dad, do you wanna take a break? We could play together, or read a book. What do you wanna do?” This of course guilts me into stopping, again, no matter how long it’s been since we previously did that. It’s good that he’s in preschool now to play with people who play That Hard.

  5. Suck it up and show the kid who’s boss. You’re babying that kid. I know he’s a baby but, damnit, do you want this pattern of whiny screaming to keep happening?! You need to put that kid down and make him learn how to sleep without the rocking. Otherwise, you’ll be buying that kid a mercedes when he’s 16 because he won’t stop crying if he doesn’t get it.

  6. 6 ginabina

    we use the “diffusing a nuclear device” technique as well and let me tell ya, they always blow up on us! too funny!

  7. Our “easy baby” is almost a year old and is going through a separation anxiety phase. She’s always been the type to smile when she sees us, but lately she’s been screaming bloody murder when we try to lay her in bed. Well, not “we,” just my wife. She goes to sleep perfectly fine for me.

  8. Great blog today. I love the dialogue from the movie. I could really hear it playing out in my head. Very nice.

  9. 9 il

    @childsplayx2 Really? The thing is that he seems to be willing to scream until he’s bright red and looks like that guy from Heroes that goes nuclear when he’s angry.

  10. 10 clevelandmom

    um, yeah. just wait until he’s 2. 😉

    but, as for the letting the baby scream thing. most of the time our son was ok going to bed. we’d rock him and do the nuclear device lay down thing and it would be ok. but, one weekend we were staying at my husband’s parent’s house and our son wouldn’t go to sleep. my mother-in-law made us allow her to take care of the situation. after 45 minutes of screaming, our son finally fell asleep. her advice did work. i would have never made it 45 minutes myself, but what i did do that seemed to work when we were home was to allow him to cry for x amount of time, either until I counted to 300, or I’d watch a clock for 5 minutes. Oftentimes, if the issue was him just being fussy, he’d put himself back to sleep. I dunno, trust your instincts. And, I don’t know how old your little one is, but at about 4 months was when he started having sleep issues, which were related to the start of teething. on and off for about a year, infant Motrin and infant Tylenol were our best friends. just a thought.

  11. Wow, there is some tough love here today from Childs Play. I feel your pain. My little one was tough and has now turned into quite the sleeper. But I need to get her to sleep on her own. I think I hold her too much and rock her too much. t is hard, when I get home my time with her is usually when she is asleep. So I don’t want to put her down.

    Maybe I am creating a monster, who knows.

    I do know she won’t get a Mercedes.

    BTW – notices something funny with my feed – it lists my posts from 1970 – groovy.

  12. Good holy lord! I thought my cat was pushy and demanding. But at least he’s never peed on my laptop. Or on me, for that matter.

    Hilarious post, Private Dadorbust!

  13. Well written and funny! It is common for crying to peak at the age of two months. It generally increases up to that point, and then starts decreasing after that point. Then it turns into whining, which is even more fun. If you haven’t heard of the period of purple crying, look it up, it explains this phenomenon a bit… we had the same with our daughter, during the first two weeks we thought she was the quietest baby ever… and then, purple crying! Cheers, Vincent

  14. Go buy your baby Mylicon drops. My daughter was soooo difficult as a baby. These saved out sanity. Also, we were spending time with my cousin whose baby cried a lot, and we gave her some of our daughter’s Mylicon and it worked so well my cousin kissed me.

  15. 15 NeighborGreg

    Well, this would explain why I’ve seen less of you on the block. Hang in there…

  16. I usually don’t post in Blogs but your blog forced me to, amazing work.. beautiful …


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