There is no such thing as unscented

26Sep08

We fall for some really dumb marketing concepts sometimes.

I’m looking at a bin of wipes. They are Pampers natural aloe unscented wipes. On the top left corner of the label is a picture of a perfect baby, with a mom kissing him gently on the shoulder. There’s also a picture of a raindrop falling into a pool of water and making a visual *bloop* as it breaks the surface tension. The package is rounded and a pleasant aqua green color. All the labeling on the package is also translated into both Spanish and French. The French labels are slightly more prominent for some reason, either due to the large and vociferous French-American population or the fact that French seems fancy. Regardless, everything about this package makes me want to wipe Buster’s ass.

Of course, then I remember that I don’t like wiping ass.

C’mon. Don’t try to tell me that anything about this product is natural. Is using the word natural supposed to make me think that Mother Nature somehow intended for me to fly through all 77 of these natural wipes in about three days? Naturally, it is. That’s why it costs more.

These wipes are also supposed to have aloe. Which is also natural, in case you didn’t know. From the way marketers seem to drop aloe into any product that touches your skin, it is apparently magical. At least in terms of selling crap. Even crap to clean up crap.

I remember when they first added aloe to tissue. On the first day of school that year, kids were practically holding parades with their aloe tissue boxes. Consumers ate it up. I thought they just made for greasy Kleenex. But marketers realized they could add a buck to the price of anything by squeezing some plant sap on it. Or at least by claiming to. I can’t tell if these wipes really have aloe in them because they are also… unscented.

This drawing is unscented.

This drawing is unscented.

Unscented is the second biggest lie in marketing, right behind the unbreakable comb, which if it were in fact were unbreakable, would necessarily form the base material for all construction. I also know they are not unbreakable because Kevin Marron broke one in the boys’ room in second grade in front of everyone. But I digress.

Clearly, these unscented wipes have a scent. Maybe they don’t smell like roses dusted with baby powder, but they definitely have a scent. I can smell it. And I’ve never smelled anything without a scent before.

Half the crap in our house right now is supposed to be unscented. The laundry detergent for our clothes is unscented. The fabric softener was supposedly unscented, but to me it smells like the unscented handsoap in my bathroom, so I’m not sure if either now count as unscented because they share the same scent. The cleansers – more and more often, unscented. Yet they each smell differently. My wife was using some kind of unscented deodorant for awhile. It didn’t work that well, so she had a scent sometimes.

I will admit I am hoping our next dog will be unscented. And that you think this post was… er, didn’t stink.

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13 Responses to “There is no such thing as unscented”

  1. Try Kiehl’s stuff. It really truly is unscented, I promise. Also very manly packaging for young Buster. Not cheap, though. But Buster Is Worth It. (Possibly even a bigger marketing ploy than the “unscented” thing, that line is.)

  2. OMG I was getting serious tremors and hardcore sweats waiting for my next fix of DOB. Almost. Couldn’t. Function. But this unscented post was worth the wait!

    I have tried many the “female” version of unscented products and I’ve come to the conclusion that what “unscented” actually means is “Without a GOOD scent” or “GROSS.”
    Things that are scented? Maybe they’re flowery or smell fresh like spring rain. Things that are unscented? Smell vaguely like maybe your unscented product HAS DIED.

    I like the sound effects theme currently going on! Last post: “boop beep.” This post: “bloop!”

    Hysterical as usual. Your photo captions never cease to make me snort-laugh and YES this is as hot as it sounds.

    MERCI!

  3. 3 thedadjam

    Have you ever read “Perfume?” That guy was unscented. Probably the only true unscented thing ever known. Oh wait, Perfume wasn’t based on a true story… oh well, guess you’re right.
    We just use damp face cloths (guess you could call them “butt cloths” or “cheek cloths”).. they are “not scented” but they do smell like water when we dampen them.

  4. Sort of makes you sick huh? I could tell you why companys that make margarine scent and dye their product, but you would probably puke, and they don’t claim scented or unscented. Don’t have to The FDA does not regulate ‘scented’ products of any kind. So companys may use the term as they may. In fact they do use scents to cover up chemical smells in products, and even label those products as ‘unscented’, which of course they do have a smell as these wipes do. So all companys define ‘scented’ and ‘unscented’ as they see fit.

    And of course the aloe is merely a chemical extract from the plant, but I won’t bore you with those details.

  5. Don’t use baby wipes — they are the biggest scam of all. Use wash clothes and warm water to clean your baby’s tush and you won’t have to worry about anything being scented or unscented again, and you won’t be giving money to people who are trying to brainwash us into thinking we need all that shit…

  6. 6 allisonwonder

    Maybe they should say “no added fragrance” instead of “unscented,” because you’re right- it all smells.

    I think I could almost get along with an unscented dog… let me know if you find a breeder, eh?

    (Oh, and the French? Might be the same packaging they use for Canada, where French is one of the country’s two official languages. Some people get pissed off if the French isn’t big enough on a box.)

  7. Same here man – we find so much crap that’s supposed to be unsenceted that has a pretty obvious smell to it. It really is a crock of crap that we buy into all the “natural” stuff when it’s probably the same as the product sitting next to it but in a shiny package. We’re suckers for anything that looks like it has more value than something else.

  8. If only I could bottle uncented

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  1. 1 the Guamaso » Blog Archive » The Adventures of Izzymonster: The Plague

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