Things to do while waiting for your baby to recognize you

02Sep08

Reading your child's eye contact, this ceiling fan is a more compelling father figure than you are.

Buster’s a great kid.   Considering his only job right now is to eat, poop, and to try not to cry, that may be a relatively meaningless statement, but so far, he’s pretty good at all those things.

That said, he doesn’t know me from an inanimate carbon rod.  At least not yet.

It is admittedly kind of thankless to be a dad of a very young infant.  If you have a kid Buster’s age, you’re working harder right now than you have in a while.   Previous divisions of labor have gone out the window.  Now, she’s in charge of feeding the baby and you’ve got… everything else.   Complaining results in immediate disqualification from the #1 Dad competition for the year, so if you want the coffee mug, you should shut up now.  This is why I’m writing this post in the second person.

Anyway, you’re running ragged.  You’re running both your laundry and hers… and his.  You’re running to the grocery store and running to catch the recycling guy.   Running the microwave and running the dishwasher.  Running the vacuum and running for Starbucks.  Cleaning the litter box and cleaning the dog run.

If for some reason you’re not doing these things, please call my wife and tell her so that I can seem comparatively awesome.

But if you’ve bothered to find this blog, chances are, you’re right there with me.  You’re even doing things around the house you may have never done.  Like having an opinion on a tablecloth.  And perking up when you hear about something new to do with chicken.

You’re doing a lot of things for the benefit of this little child you decided would be a good idea to go and make.

And if he’s still under four weeks, in all likelihood there’s not a damn glimmer of recognition in his eyes.

Actual expressions of genuine gratitude come about 30 years later.

So what are you supposed to do?  Suck it up, and be a man, boy, that’s what.

Or vent in your own daddy blog.  I’ll even link you.  We’ll be Twitter buds.   I’ll be like, “Man, I’m up early!” and you’ll be all like, “TELL me about it!” and I’ll be like, “We’re getting ready for tummy time” and then I’ll realize how girly that all sounds, so I’ll point out a joke on a new sports-related website with mildly misogynistic banner ads and oh, how we’ll LAUGH… <sigh>

Anyway, here are some constructive things to do while waiting for your baby to actually discern between you and the lab mix with more hair and only slightly worse breath.

• Um, go brush your teeth man, that’s nasty.

• Put the photos that you’ve taken so far online. You’re probably tired by now of taking photos of your kid in the car seat or in a swaddle.   Car seat.  Swaddle.  Swaddle.  Car seat.   I know.  But people aren’t tired of looking at them yet, so upload them for the jonesing grandmas and aunts.  We use Shutterfly so people can order prints.  There are lots of good services, but this was the one my wife seemed most willing to use, for whatever reason.  And even the Grandmas figured it out.

• Look into college savings plans. A lot more tools and programs are provided these days than when our parents were saving for school.   And I hear college is now required to play in the NBA.

• 

  Venture deep down within the core of your fatherhood and hawk the first loogie for this glove. Shoot it directly at point #32, above. Rub dirt from your hometown field deeply in its leathery grain at all labeled points. Pray for a lefty closer.

  Go buy a baseball mitt. I held myself back when it came to thinking in detail about stuff like this when we were still just hoping for a healthy baby.  This one I could barely wait for.   Whether I was having a son or daughter, I knew I was getting one, because team sports are vital for raising confident and cooperative adults.   The first mitt will be made of plastic and won’t need to be broken in.  But the next one will, so I might as well start now.  For you, a mitt may not be that symbolic prized childhood possession that you’ve been thinking about – but go ahead and get the one that you did fantasize about and put it away.  For both of you.

• Think about your diet and lifestyle. Okay, I cannot stand when the recently converted preach.  But a bit over a year ago, I was a smoker who got 90% of his calories from chocolate products and proudly proclaimed college was meant so he wouldn’t have to lift anything heavy.   When we started thinking about having kids, I realized it wouldn’t be a great example, nor very nice of me to DIE while they still needed me.  And it wasn’t that hard to switch to a completely healthy lifestyle.  I swear.  Everyone kisses your ass for months and then women look at you again without scowling.  Plus your wife will love the gun show.

• Read more fatherhood blogs. I realize that for most of you, this is the only web destination you visit nearly every day.  For many of you I’m sure it is your homepage.  But when it comes to making you feel more prepared and less isolated, the blogs I’ve linked in the right sidebar are really worth stealing an hour or two of time from your company.

• Get more insurance. That dying thing again, yeah, get life insurance for that.  But there are other kinds of protections that probably make sense for you.  I have a good friend who survived a tough battle with a childhood illness and once told me that the fact that his father sold insurance for awhile and bought what he sold saved their family from financial ruin.

• Enjoy your favorite brand of nude photography. Because you still aren’t getting any.  Sorry.

Filed under: Tips   |  26 Comments
Tags: fatherhood, first month of infancy, infancy, infants, insurance, ten things