I also enjoy anchovies and krill

If I could actually be a whale, this is the kind I would want to be.

If I could actually be a whale, this is the kind I would want to be.

Over the past nine months, I’ve tried to bond with my child by attempting to communicate with it while still in the womb. Mostly, this has amounted to me making strange noises while pressing my face against my wife’s belly.

It’s because I’ve imagined that from the baby’s perspective, it sounds kind of like when we’re swimming. You know, when you can still kind of hear the Van Halen playing over the PA while you’re underwater, but you can’t really make out the words? I’m not sure why this metaphor of a public pool in the mid-80’s is persisting, but I think you know what I’m saying.

A more apt comparison might actually be that the baby is swimming in a miniature ocean. The womb, in fact, has the same saline levels and pH and other weird similarities with the sea.

If I add this knowledge to another experience from the 80’s, when Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home was on cable every 20 minutes, I am forced to arrive at the conclusion that the key to communicating with our baby is to use the most whale-like groans I can muster.

For your reference, I’ve found that the “oo”, “mm” and “oh” sounds are easiest to incorporate into words that can be used while communicating.

“Whoooo’s going to cost mmmme a quarter to a third of a mmmmillionnnn ohver 25 years? Yooooou are. Yes, yoooou are.”

The baby has encouraged me in these attempts by seeming to physically respond to my words, though it could be in order to try to wriggle away from them.

My wife enjoys it, either because me talking to her belly resembles the photos from the baby books or because although I’m stringing together what seem to be nonsensical sentence fragments, this time I’m not talking about sports.

The dog clearly hates it. To him I’ve fallen way short of the cetacean frequency and landed squarely on some secret canine dialect in which I am instructing him equivocally to smash his muzzle into the bridge of my nose. It’s unfortunate he feels this is what he should do when he thinks I’m in distress.

Or maybe he thinks I’m causing my wife distress. On second thought, it’s a safe bet her nervous laugh does mask at least a certain feeling of horror that I’m about to parent her child.


3 Responses to “I also enjoy anchovies and krill”

  1. This is all I’m picturing…

  2. You think the dog is weirded out now… Just wait ’til the baby comes.

  3. lol – I think it’s cute! Lots of dads I know hardly spend time bonding with baby even AFTER baby comes out. Sad, huh?

    Though at the moment, images of Dory and Marlin come to mind… 😉

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