Obstetricians can bend time and space

05Jul08

One of the most confusing things for me(n) to grasp is the way obstetricians count the weeks of a pregnancy. Women have a much easier time accepting these new rules for counting than men do. Maybe it’s because they find out right at the beginning they’re two weeks more pregnant than they think they are, and it makes them feel accomplished or something.

Damn you Patrick Dempsey.To cut to the chase, when you count back from however many weeks your doctor says you are pregnant, you realize that your wife somehow became pregnant before you even had sex.

This may at first anger you greatly. You may or may not momentarily imagine your wife gleefully making out with Patrick Dempsey and you may envision tiny babies with his giant head. You may turn red.

You should stop. Because that is crazy talk.

She wasn’t unfaithful to you. The world’s obstetricians are simply being unfaithful to arithmetic.

For some reason, pregnancies are counted not from when you actually put the biscuit in the basket – but based on the day her last period arrived. Which was probably a day you weren’t trying to make babies.

I’m pretty sure the obstetricians aren’t actually trying to make you question your wife’s fidelity but that they’ve figured out this is more accurate than trying to guess which day you were successful.

It gets additionally confusing when you try to figure out how many months pregnant you are. There are 40 weeks in a pregnancy, and 4 weeks in a month right – so 10 months in a pregnancy? No. Some months have 4 1/2 weeks. And then 2008 was a leap year…

I realize I still haven’t provided any useful guidance – the best answer is that you are as many weeks and months pregnant as your wife says you are at whatever point in the pregnancy you ask. Somehow she knows. She has made peace with this system of math and is keeping track. You will never succeed in doing this. The Y chromosome blocks it.

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