Yeah, no one cares about you

19Jul08

This pillow has more rights than you do. Not pictured here is her husband, curled up on the ground at the foot of the bed.

I can’t get much sleep lately because my wife can’t. She tosses and turns, elbows and kicks, steals pillows and blankets, and generally takes up 3/4ths of a queen-sized bed despite the fact that I am 6′3″ and she is 5′2″. I haven’t made it past 7AM in three weekends, and have been up before 5AM every day in the past week. The basement futon where my dog sometimes cleans himself is looking awfully inviting.

If this happens to you, do not tell anyone without a penis.

No matter how much goodwill you may have built up with your stories to your female friends about how supportive you’ve been for your pregnant wife, the mere passing mention of a bit of your own physical discomfort will immediately transform you into a whining boor.

Remember, you, my friend, are only incidental to this entire process. You should feel lucky that your wife was willing to accept your wretched seed and is accommodating your spawn for nine months in her beautiful body. You should feel deep remorse that you yourself cannot pass the baby through an orifice in your body. You should pay her back with compliments, chores and diamonds. And you should shut up. For the rest of your life.

Okay, that sounded harsher than it is. But the bottom line is that you should keep in mind that every complaint that you might have will always be seen as minor compared to the things she’s dealing with.

The only people that will understand are other men with pregnant wives. Men with kids generally think you’re a big whiny baby too. Men who haven’t gone through pregnancy at all will actually not even be able to physically hear you when you discuss it, because when you talk about pregnancy, without knowing, you actually do it at an extremely low pitch that is discernible only to fathers and nematodes.

In fact, I may be the only one who understands how you feel. Feel free to email me or comment here about how no one cares about you. I’ll nod knowingly and go back to rubbing my wife’s feet.

Filed under: Pregnancy, Second Trimester, Third Trimester, Tips   |  3 Comments
Tags: father's rights, fatherhood, Pregnancy, tips for dads